He Will Not Cede the Depths of My Mind

     Would it be too frank to say that I would love the idea of him being a page within my dossier of life?  Frank maybe, desperate probably.  A crossroads I am at, for I cannot stop the maladroit girl within me when it comes to conversing with him, and I so desperately want to bring an end to this cryptic behavior of mine, but it is easier said, then done.  It is not as though we have nothing in common, it is just my inability to be garrulous, which is a characteristic that I do display often, but not with him, in front of him, yes, with him, dear God no!  For that little girl in the back of my mind says, that he will not be beguiled by my continuous talking, he will most certainly disparage me either internally or externally by such a characteristic.  Although my friends express much choler with me when I express my personal incapacity to succumb my heart and soul to him in the form of mere words, my mental hindrance pertaining to his deriding of my character remains prominent. 

     The removal of such a mental hindrance is consistently becoming quixotic, for along with the coming of my junior year of high school is the coming of the baroque event that is formally known as Winter Ball.  Containing no amount of ennui, such an event creates sparks within the "girly" portions of my mind, and allaying such a sortie of girlish thoughts would only occur with the completion of this ephemeral event in the manner in which I imagined.  Resulting from my girlish thoughts, I came to imagine the air to be coalesced with an ebullient and an ethereal feel upon the entry of the foyer.  Continuing on to the main location of this moratorium, various floral assemblages would continue to burgeon as one were to come closer to the "life of the party".  With him by your side, one would step through those fully flourished doors into the capricious revelry of a lifetime where one feels as though they are in the presence of an incredibly salient ruse, for the atmosphere could be deemed as invidious to produce.

     However, such an affair is somewhat of an impossibility.  The mere usurping of all of the money within my educational facility would most likely not cover a fraction of the price of such an entailed event.  For now, myself, along with the rest of my participating classmates, will simply have to deal with the tawdry event that awaits us.  I can just imagine the type of comestibles that will be presented, most likely amorphous chunks of what used to be "okay" to nosh on.  Castigating this event is not the approach that I wish to take here, but it would be ideal if this event was slightly fulfilling to my mere girlish imagination, even if, perhaps, some surreptitious actions were to possibly occur, "unbeknownst to us". 

     I would, however, exonerate such a devious idea, for if I were to attend such an event with this boy of my liking, otherwise referred to as "the one who will not cede the depths of my mind", upset I certainly would not be, and a nadir would most definitely not be my locale, beyond the clouds would be more precise.  Just if I were to listen to the constant, almost friendly type of hectoring, continuously received from my close companions, maybe such a mental location would be a mere possibility.  Listening to such advice whole-heartedly and following such exactly, may, however, cause me to be seen as some type of sycophant, attempting to attain a higher cachet, if you will, which is not the case.  I do not expect him to allow me to become some sort of parvenu within our educational system, all I wish is that we talk, we walk, and maybe even fall, together. 

True Antipodes

     He sits there, in that exact desk, everyday with that abeyance that I cannot seem to break.  It is almost as if a bacchanal would be the only solution to this temporary silence and inactivity of his.  What is a girl to do, jump on the desk and display herself in a highly foolish manner?  No, a solution that is not, for that would be the personification of an ingenue of which I am not.  There are rules that need to be followed, in order to preclude such a personification.  These rules and guidelines of which I speak of, are highly eminent within the mind of a female.  Such rules and guidelines pertain to the ideas that a woman cannot overtly exhort a man into obtaining a liking for her, for she might be deemed highly annoying and quite pushy.  Another ideal of a woman's behavior, would have to pertain to the idea that a woman should not have too much brio when around that man of her liking, for that might frighten him away.  However, a woman does not want to be too enigmatic, for that might create a persona of that woman to be too unknown and mysterious, causing the man to either lose interest in that secretive woman, and once again obtain some type of fright and fear of that woman as well.  Two other main ideals, encircle around the idea of a woman's value to a man.  If a woman wants to be another cameo within a man's life, then that woman would lower her value, in order to be with that man, which is highly inadvisable. However, a woman should not be bombast while in the presence of that man of her liking, for that would raise her value above the man, and a man might find that to be very intimidating.  Instead of choosing between these two extremes, a woman should stay in between both, expressing confidence and most importantly being herself, for a woman should only be liked by someone who personally likes their true persona.  In order for a woman to really commandeer a man, she must not imbue these types of personas within that man's brain, instead she should be herself, which is hopefully none of the above extremes.  

     However, it truly does depend on the woman and the man that she is after, for a man might be interested in someone who expresses a constantly large amount of energy, or even a woman who has a mysterious veneer, but a woman should still never lower or extremely higher her value when it comes to meeting men, for with men it is usually seen that little self-confidence, and intimidation, are not fancied; however, it all depends.  What does not depend, is the fact that when a woman is looking for that man of her dreams, she should act as though she is an epicure, searching for the finest souffle, or she should act as if she is searching for the most potable beverage, one that is the most enjoyable and the least bit harmful.  Never should a woman desultorily choose a man, and never should a woman settle for a man, for every woman deserves that perfect match, the one that is everything she may not be, but both of them happen to mesh in the best possible way.  A man and a woman must be true antipodes that may not make sense to others, but always make sense to each other. 

     Maybe one day I'll find my special antipode, and maybe I do not have to look that far, for I have a feeling that he might just be sitting in that desk nearby.   

Her Pattern Continues...

     Ever since I came to the realization of my existence as well as my sister's existence, I have known my sister to be quite the maudlin character, for no matter what she always had a problem going on in her life that was always much more important than anything else that was going on in the entire world.  Whether the problem dealt with school, boyfriends, and so on and so forth, our house was never halcyon, if you will, due to the fact that my sister would constantly be ranting about her issues and asking how she should deal with those issues.  Due to the fact that my sister would constantly be dealing with these such issues, I came to refer to this continuously exacerbating cycle as my sister's "pattern".  As my sister continued this "pattern" of hers', she also continued to become somewhat of a pariah to me, at least, for if my sister had an issue, the conversation must be circled around that issue, otherwise the conversation would be deemed insignificant in the eyes of my sister.  Although this "pattern" of hers' may be seen as comical to some, to me, this "pattern" was the least bit humorous, for as my sister continued her "pattern", I became quite the minion within my family.  Do not get me wrong, I am extremely loved by my mother and my sister, but when my sister has "big issues" to deal with, my life and its stories become seemingly unimportant for the moment.  As I watch my sister have her paroxysms due to her life's problems, at the dinner table, my mother coaxing her along, I would just sit and continue on with my meal, for it is normal for my sister to obtain all of the attention for the moment, she is the helpless "victim", right?

     Recently, my sister has continued this "pattern" of hers' in the worst way possible, in such a way that this problem that she has obtained will most likely be a long-lasting importunity throughout the duration of our family's life.  This problem that I am referring to is probably one that many would not even consider to be a problem, but for our family it is.  This issue entails that fact that my sister is pregnant with her boyfriend's child, to whom she is not married to, yet.  Upon hearing this news, I felt as though I was traveling in an aberration of mine, in which I would return from in a manner of seconds, but that was not the case.  My sister is going to have a child with a man that she is not married to and for the moment this man has not even proposed marriage to her. 

     In the past, I have found my sister's boyfriend to be quite a gregarious and fun character, but up until this point, my view of this man has drastically changed.  Although this man is a well-known elementary school teacher, he does, however, where the biggest facade that I have ever known to exist.  During the day, this teacher is fun-loving and kind-hearted, but once he returns to the homestead that he now resides in with my sister, he becomes one of the most unkind and heartless characters that I have ever gotten to known.  Being chary of my sister's current situation, I abjure myself from confronting this man with some of the worst obscenities that would come from my heart and soul, but for now I will remain to be the real-life Reverend  Dimmesdale, who exists within the pages of The Scarlet Letter. 

     As my sister deals with yet another problem of hers' and continues her oh-so-famous "pattern", I will just observe the present and future happenings, walking behind my mother and my sister, patiently waiting for my moment to share my life stories with everyone.